I wish it would rain....

Intensive care...its that wonderful time of year again...

"Shout hallelujjelia! c'mon get happy...

get ready for the judgement day...."

the rambling, modern, if not "pornagraphic" streams of: "Leaves of Grass..." or something like it continues...

and it's a good sign for me since the "summer of my dis-contnet," is now coming to a close...

and now I feel prepared and ready to recant yet another tale of malaise...depression...darkness, that now seems to collide in my soul...spilling out a thousand, hundred, million, billion ? universes...as if the sum total of my "lifetimes" here are being exposed...

to myself

to the world...

stuck forever in a self-evident, self obsession...that really here never quells...

Intensive care...

the "ego" screams..."I want, I ..want, I want - some more:

pain, drama, action, contact - no contact...

but most of all..I want death..."

the Ego threatens and always brings us to the brink of disaster, only to pull back and realize that it's going to dis-integrate...whither and never be heard from again...

and so it goes...

and when the so called: "Ego" is put in it's proper place...then we begin to kiss the tenger - fragile - fragments...and pace slowly, if not, creep to another birth...re-birth, and then again toward, a new death, a different type of trance...

something that entices us to go on...

to refuse to shed our "body" because its conveinent...or fun or dramtic...or because we believe...that we somehow, "deserve to be punished" and die this woderful, horrible death..where upon all sins are spewed out to our mourners...(if we are indeed, lucky to have nay left at this point...)

the ego's main triumph if nothign else...champions itself on alienating one and all...because, 

"You would'nt understand"...add to the list..."

(Yawn - Yawn...)

the ego...screaming

the spirit knowing...of a God that is not human...

of a source that can not be stopped...

of a supply that is endless....

yes...

from the abyss of hell...when the "the pit..." of psychic pain becomes so great...and the darkness so -- surround and burns...

this is when the grace...the light - of this awesome power can glide...soothe, heal as a miracle...and enter where upon our soul takes the front seat and the angry, in love with death and drama..and dis-eased 

part of ourselves...receedes...and on and on and on...

as an endless cyle of purging and cleansing...leaving nothing...but purity...and white...

white

white...love ?

God?

divinity

God and Godess surmounting the "God-head..."

"breaking down..."

intnesive care....

the burning - shimmering shadows of death can no longer hold me again...

I know that I have been here many, many times...

grasping a touchstone that took a few thousand "incarnations.." to know...

when one tries to work from -- off only from: 

a human power in a world of pain and so called: "Suffering..." from the self - seperated..."Ego..."

the result is always the same...

Disaster...basically...

the spiritual - metaphorical, actual, pshysical..."Train wreck.." waiting to happen...

you try in vain - of your own accord..to act it out - work it out...cry - laugh - f**k it out...drink it out...but no - it never really ever just F**king come out...

and this is where the so called: "Hanged man..."

catches our attention...

Stuck...unable to escape the "mosh-pit..." of our self-made prisons and "de-llusions..."

September...a warm, "sunny" and "Happy" so called day- in the late afternoon - as I write this - my attention is interrupted by a "Madman..." of sorts who has recently appeared...under my window at times...screaming obsenities...chain smoking...and verbalizing...several times: "Leave me alone! I'am mad at the whole F**king world!!"

and so it goes...

>>> I find it interesting on this merry-go- round of life and light and dark here...that the so called: "human-condition..." of lust pain - regret and pain never gets resolved...

that no matter what you do - it is considered: "mental illness.." that at this point: even being alive is considered somewhat, of a mental illness in and of -- itself...and there is no escape...from being labeled so...

thats the tradgedy part...

the comedy part is this: your handed about 15 - 20 30 --40--a thousand or so dis-eases...of the mind and body...

with absolutely no support to stay healthy...remain, clean or sober, or close to God...

or free from being labeled: "Crazy" "Mad" "insane" add to the list....

"Pills..."

I love the way my dog, she seems to be some sort of what they call: "A Familiar..." hangs in the balance, watching me go thru: the dark nights...

the decision to take pills...

stay on my med course...

take more pills...drink coffee...watch me double over - wracked in pain as I'am as I write this...

cries to be next to me..and then rests her head...on my thigh...and falls into a peaceful slumber...as if I'am some great protecter or as if she is...

she is beautiful...

God is truly wise...it is because of her...that I do not jump completely...into the ring of fire...

the golden abyss...to be burned forever and expire...only to return in another body...and curse the god's for making it so -- yet again...

the turning point....

my dog jumps and prances around on  the bed...staring blankly out the window and surveying two homeless guys drunk loud and angry...now fighting and disturbing the entire street....

"yeah - I'am gonna --f---ng kill you!!"

(second guy)

"NO! I'aM gonna FFF---ing KILL U!!"

repeat for roughly 20 minutes....

then they disappear...

Pills...

they hand you a dis-ease and then they offer you a cure...theu cure saves your life while the side-effects kill you -- slowly of course....

just slow enough for you to realize that your walking to death...on the sea...of greed...from a board of directors you will never know...but have managed to yes...

make everything...into a dis-ease...so youll need some of there --"Pretty pills..." with some awesome - pretty sounding names - available in all colors - shapes and sizes....

ambien

prozac

viagra

valluim

anti-depressants...

stimulants...

inhibitors...chemical balancers....

anti-virals...

anti-inflammatories...

take the pills to stay alive

take the pills to die...

take the pills to sleep - to awake...

to manage and maintain...

all the wicked

wicked

wicked poison's the world hands you and then never gives you any permission to release....

amen...

reds and white and blues...

multi-colored cap and tablets or jagged little pills...to get thru it all..and then in the end - yeah hell yeah!!

you get morphine....to get you the hell out...and then back home...

what is the to be afraid of...really...??

today - as my own doctor I prescirbe some - (herbal)

remedies :

Fo-ti

Reishi

grape seed

Burdock....

maybe later I'll take some Valerian...to quell to pain...and sleep...

I love the way my dog always watches me pop the pills...

and stares at me intently...with a knowing gaze...

sometimes climbing onto my legs and jumping up...

her heart seems to almost burst with joy when I pick her up....

"Unconditional love..."

she came to heal me - of this I'am certain...

and evertything else...I can not be sure...

how long I will live or die and where I'll go when this body becomes obsolete...and whithers...from the psychic pain of a thousand life-times...

does it roll back to expose: greed. lust and darkness...or whats behind it...

??

"Old souls" and "young - new souls.."

at this writing..our country -- the united states of the Media....

the medicated...the sedated and the pre-meditated...

the US of A's grand ambitions are now - a simply mask for unending - pure - rage and greed....

it's amazing that our gov doesn't simply just come into  our homes and rape us...

I walked by a church today with glas doors in the afternoon, the doors are locked...you can look in but you cant come in...

what a metaphor...

we want your donations..but you are not allowed to enter into the so called house of "god..." without a vip pass....

the end of the world as we know it ??

there is now a 700 Billion dollar bail out package...in congress that states..no person, institution, or legislative body will have the power to over see, or maintain contol over or otherwise...watch or monitor or know where any of this money goes...

>>>>>>>

pills......

the ego....

rage...death....

bankrupt - America - the bankrupt....

>>>>>>>>>forever Amen 

praise Jesus....

and pass the credit cards....

about to explode...

to be exposed...

when the soul touches the body - there is always heat and clearing...the violence of birth...

truth - making its way...to be known....

stand back.....

all the dollars 

and the pills and media haze of lies and heads of this and that....its all about to fall part..as the core of fear is exposed....the core of dis-ease...the dis-eased core...

and all the pretty litlle insanities...

grow and whither....

and vomit forth....until yes something like light -- 

comes to light...

get ready....

guns and roses....

America the Insane

the intoxicated....

the medicated...the dying -- fire of what its soul once was...is gone...

just stay on your med course...and its all going to work out...

I hope....

fear is everywhere....

hope is no where....

and light has absonded with truth....

man these are interesting times....

a day of mourning...for your mind -- 

lost now - and gone - the property of insanity...owned by the Church of America...

like I said - "Praise Jesus...."

ya know what - ??

what is happening to me --- is also happening in the world...it's the "Axis" -- point...I'll call it - the turning point...

where your own - lies - self deceptions - denials...petty resentments, thoughts of sexy revenge, un-ending orgies...banquets...of dining on the flesh of the young -- etc etc...

being part vampire as we all are at this point...

because of the supreme mediat saturation and pre-occupation of flesh and bombs, and war and greed,,,and of coruse, the "Fame Parade..." 

but were tired of...

weve all had our fill of being f**kd in the a**...and likewise returning the favor....having all those "dirty" naughty...faceless strangers...and had carnal knowledge of them in rooms with doors but no windows...

us -- beating them 

them beating us....

acting it out - acting - sublime - rich - creamy dreamy dreams....in the blue room...of sadism and masochism...

being sexualized and fetish-sized and super-sized and rommanticized...

but it seems like yeah - it was all lies...

and now we want something kinder...

as the soul touches the body...we want something that will not fill our "holes..." but yes...grace our souls...

and in that process - we all break down...

the world was created by a loving divine...something...

something intelligent, divine - glorious...

and then we took it and created from our polluted psyches...A world driven by this so called: "Ego..."

driven by pills and pain, and bars, and lies and big dicks, and false gods and personaes...

the devil delights in our insanity....

christianity aside...

the world is now waking up...to a world on the brink of some kind of - irreversible -- diaster...of scarcity...of nuclear porportions...of atomic, exploding, death...

power, totalitarianism on a global scale...

something is coming...its inevitable...

and yeah 

everyone knows it -- but no one really knows how it's going to manifest....

What happens to the individual...manifests in the larger cultural psyche, and then into actual reality...affecting everything around it...

indeed, our mask of sanity - is slipping off...

we are indeed about to meet our soul...

the old souls know this before the young ones...

and how could they blame for it - all 

since at one time -- they were young souls that contributed...to what is happening in the world now...

the old souls are here to stabilize...this "transition..."

world in transition...

>>>>>Dark night of the Soul...

last night - 3:45am...my favorite demon comes out to play...attacking to say the least...

Trip like I do....

I close  my eyes and hear it's voice...

it's kind of beautiful and black and hideous...and surreal and sensual all in one sound...hahah-- hahahahaa

I take this pill and that one - making sure to cunt what I took so I don't overdose...but the pills are not strong enough...and I know if I take anymore flexerill's Ambiens - valerians, or vestarills...surely I will not wake up...

I take the pills and wait...

nothing happens...

I was re-runs of the X-files..begging God - to please restore me to "Sanity..."

my nerves fire off....who would have thought that "Restless Leg Symdrome..." actually existed and yeah they have nerve meds for it - but they are not working either...I fall into slumber mumbling: 

"God please help me..." 

"Please help me..."

Inconsolable grief....psychic pain...the psychic riot...handed to you on a plate....

"I've got you under my skin...."

"New York state of Mind..." the Billy Joel version wafts thru my head...

like a bad version of the "Bell Jar..."

there is no one to call...there is no pray that can help me...I slip into the warm -- enveloping cloud of near over-dose...

I drink water - it disappears...

I eat and eat and eat...it disappears...

I take herbs and vitamins and meds...and close my eyes and none of it affects me...there is only the grey waiting room and transition...

I can feel - swirling white demons...snakes...with red eyes...and dis-embodied spirits all leave - arise and fill the room...and I float into the trqance -- wondering what god had in store for me next...

my body aches....

my back aches....

I entertain the possiblity that I probably should go to the hospital...

or atleast the doctor...

my skin is dis-eased...

my intake

assimilation 

exhalation

inhalation...

elimination is all stopped....

all frozen......and then I lose consciousness....

>>>>>>>

the  next morning - I awake...glowing...

silver and gold....

people on the street and in the deli near bow to me...

it seems bizzziarre...but it happens....

>>>>>

a NY State of mind......I wish it would rain...rain, rain.

Let it rain.