Day People by SeanBateman9

Six feet under...

journal entry

july 30 09

foggy - humid - warm Manhattan evening - late night...

writing - connection - block - again - life - re-birth...

thoughts spill in - out - pour forth...

I'am not sure whats in my mind -- I dont think my mind ever truly belonged to me...

I want peace - but I get noise...

all the time noise...

loud fking irritating - thoughtless - spam-noise...

I know this is not my mind...

the night is beautiful - I always thought that...always...

night to me - was more beautiful than the day...

all you "day" people can go fk off...

your fascists - jumping around all day long in your fake -- a** happiness for how much you love the day...

"go outside..."

"It's such a nice day..."

go outside...

the day is too loud for me -

the day is too bright - its blinding...to me...

perhaps yes maybe Iam a vampire -

I always came alive - in the night -

I dont wish I was like other people - I'am not...

I dont wish I was "Normal..."

I'am not...

I'am not now nor will ever be "Normal"

Normal doesnt exist except in the minds of the fake-o zombie

"day people..."

the day is stressful

days are about work and movement..

in the night there is stillness...

the night: brings calm....

peace...

In the night - there is rest - and there is -- tranquility...

the "day people" are all gone...

perhaps--- asleep and -- dreaming of going outside in the day.....(yay...!)

I really dont hate the day people...

they just seem to hate me..they taught me to hate them in a way...

they think there so special...and that "God" loves them more...

the night people are the special ones...

selected by the angels...

its at night that all the poetry is written...

that paintings are painted -- songs are written...in the twillight glow...

of muse kisses and a new light - thnigs happen at night that the day people will never understand...

the day people are fools and liars and idiots...

I have contempt for them...

I dont pity them...but I dont share what they value or believe...

being a "night" person is truly its own religion...

the angels hover around me at night...they whsiper secrets and love - and healing...

I feel calm at night - soothed by the fog and warmth and quiet...

people move slowly-- at night - pondering thoughts slower...

a gentle reflection...

the day people always seem to be attacking - everything...

they always seem to be upset or running - unhappy in their "fake" "day" BS-- happiness...

the night people really run the world...

they make the plans...they mix the drinks..they serve food and entertain...

all for the day people...and the day people never consider that wihtout the "Night" people there world would have no shine or dreams...or wonder - or even hope...

clouds roll by -- its sublime..

the sun is always harsh - never really friendly to me...

the moon is loveable and kind -

a true friend...

the sun can heal and it gives life...yes - wonderful life -

but the night - the moon...gives rest...and the glow of rommance...

candles...meditations...songs - ideas - dreams...

wonderful - warm dreams are spun on a night like tonight...

balmy - quiet - the trees outside my window all seem to be friends...

the night is good..

I'am glad - I belong to the night...

the noise goes away at night...

and all the wonderful things I love seem to be around me...

and everywhere...in their place - inside...comfort...

the space to move and breath...

the night is calm...

and now I can rest...

the night is good...

amen.

journal entry

August 8 - 9 ?? 09

sunday - muggy - humid - high 70s...

humid - outside - Iam craving sex

Iam craving connection...

you are alone.

your mind racing - fast-- faster...

your heart ache - ache -- ache - aching...now...

deep breathing - shallow breathing...

breath deep -

take deep breaths and relax...

today is a hallucination...

everyday is a hallucination...I pray it wont go away..

the color - the dream - the sounds - pure God...

purity - doesnt exist - except for God...

god is pure - pure wisdom

pure creativity...pure intelligence

pure light

god is the light -- I think...

everyday I try to breathe...

the desire to chain smoke and fornicate arouses me always...

its intense - connection -

wanting connection - release...

to cease - all the pretty - beuatiful colors...and flying

flying - in my dreams -

flying at all times fast and pure - like god..

wanna be like God...yes...

I used to want to -- "go home..," to God...

where I belonged....

I never "belonged" here...

people are full of hate...

no.

people can be ful of hate...--- they can...

but I stay away from them...

they are the darkside...

they are vampires....fuk them...

the angels love me anyway...

body aches - food of the gods...

I will not be "vampire food" for those full of hate and pain....

perhaps - maybe - they will be released some day or go back to hell where they belong....

I know heaven...I remember it....I truly do....

but I got used to it here and truth be told...

how will it all turn out ?

Its not done yet - I mean finished....

perhaps - maybe something truly wonderful and beautiful will happen to me...

something good...

love -

angels -

god will favor me - touch me -- tell me - answers or truth...

good will enter...into my life here

instead of being so - so - so... far away....

pause...

time lapse...

question -

??

how fucked can it get - how fuked up can you be...

before angels have to pick you up - put you back into your bed...

surround you and heal you...

I should know what

Iam talking about...

they have had to heal me - many times...

the darkness...(unlike god ??)

the darkness is an un-natural death...

the death of your body -- anyway ...

the body is a gift ??

the soul is eternal...it goes on.. for me - this I know...

but the body - is mortal...

the soul -- immortal...

so yes...how far can your mind -- push your body -

there is conflict..

between what the mind wants to experience

and the body can handle -

welcome to the modern psyche...

go thru the addiction and get to God...??

go thru the addiction and take the spiritual action...

how much can a body take ?? Limits.

how much - body slamming - dosing - over dosing...

pills - chemicals....fever pitch - burns -- sun - isolation - free radicals...pain, meds. sex, men, cocks, cum, chemicals -- stimulation - love - rommance, fuked out - shut out - mind viruses, parasites....good times...darkness, nuerosises ? (sp? ) good days - bad days...other people, beauty, shadows, infections, injections, rejections, ?? lost - confused - fused, married...sin--

barbeques, cigarettes, porn shows, dvd's, -------------light...

pause -

inhalations, intoxications, over-doses, kidney stones, miles and miles....doctors, hospitals - releases, lock-downs,

going fast, boredom, pain, abuse, touching...grief-fear-shame-sucking-kissing--laughter....music - affection-- goodness - light...------God -

how much God can a body take ??

how much light - ??

it burns -

light burns -- how much can a body take....??

until it dis-integrates and becomes "God" ??

until it is owned by god...until it becomes pure enough for god to care...

(again)

pause...

enter - Infinity - Eternity - the Essence - of God..inside...

the illusion gone - God becomes inside - and now what ??

continue as the 15 year old chain smoking the corner...

doesnt know how to let go...

and behold the flesh is whithering - the soul burning...

off the shame - becoming - immune to pain -- the psychic pain of light...

of being burned by light - because God is so bright -

I need to hide - or let God out...

but this as always - is taboo...

on certain days -- all the men are in my body -- shooting - kissing...sucking fucking...light and light and more light...

it feels like God...

to be God - to be light...to be perfection and health...and know things...

all of which Iam and do...

all the men vanish - they are gone...

and bliss...comes - the absence of all noise - and shadows...

light but this time not a burning light...

inner bliss...comes when all the men are gone

and all the thoughts are gone...

the empty mind - the tranquil body...

I wait....

I will take my time to attract now the perfect life...

or the perfect lie...

amen -