angry lonely god...by sean bateman9

sunday                                                                        jan 07

january 7:15am

angry - lonely, god

music can  not soothe me...

sleep eludes me...

death - does not want me...

and love can not find me...

>>> Another grey, souless sky wafts over the sno-globe of manhattan...

6-15am...i awake...

two hours of sleep and change...

to be numb and in pain...

to be numb and in pain...

to be numb.

and in pain...

never escaping the maddening eyes, 

the eyes in a sky that never seems blue 

or without a purpose to remind...

the curse...

to be surrounded by so many lost children...

to be awake around all the sleeping souls

seduced by diamonds and gold...

insomnia...and the forlorn riot 

that seems to occur between the ears...

perhaps from my eyes...

from the cold and clouded sky above

or all the dark water below...

standing....

there...

never really drowning...

unable to fly...

awake.

and unable to escape...

no sleep.

not even with chemicals...

no, there are not enough chemicals, 

nor maybe - even angels...

who can stop the parade 

of noise and something they call fear, here...

the sleeping pills are not strong enough -

the coffee is not strong enough...

the pain: alaways dull, never focusing...

the candels lit, under a sky of pain...

i'am.

an angry - lonely god, tonight...

and eventhough - the sun may shine above me...

or children may play and run past me...

the sky 

my sky is black...

but it is not a clean black...

or a hard black...

it is a wall...of black...

>>>>>>my favorite position...

seems to be, sitting on the edge of my bed...

with my hands - cupping my face

and trying to wash away...

the black...

is there anyone to call?

no.

is there anyone who is lonely - like me, ??

that can 

hold it ?

no.

is there anyone thAt can find the light -- of  my eyes...

i turn the light on...

there is black...

i turn the lights off - there is black...

i can not escape and am trapped in the purity

of sound and color and knowing...

>>>i'am the  only one...

yes - 

cursed 

and cursed to live - here - in this body...

stuck here, sucking blood, out of boredom or need...

watching all the batman's and robin's enter my bed...

and fly, and look and dance...

and then leave...

a long trail of -- nothing -- actually...

there is never a real explosion...

and never - a real heat,

nor ever a real orgasm...

or hug - or even a slap...across anywhere 

that could wake, any of them up -- into seeing me...

or feeling me,

or touching me, or being there...

>>>cigarettes burn down...

i make the coffee stronger, think about popping all the vicadins and ambiens, and co-tylenols...

(i wonder here -- just who is it - that names the names: gives the names - to all the pretty chemicals...halfing promising to fix everything but never, really, working the way that god can...

or in an instant...

completely, re-arrange your soul, or body -- to become something else...

A "God"

can never return to -- not - being a "god..."

he is still a god...

and angry god...

a lonely god...

a forsaken god...as all his worshippers run or forget him...

he is still...a god...

>>>>>>>>>>

life here...

beyond the viel, appears to be about too much lust...

or too many boys...

and young -- kinda half-rageful demi-gods

spraying their needs, maybe naked, in front of me...

all over my bed...

squirting their best -- all over me...

no.

not even the most beautiful, can make me forget...

other loves from other worlds -- and lifetimes...

one soul...

with many lifetimes...

the bodies that i have -- "incarnated" and carried and passed through time...yes: have changed...

but i'am the same...in every lifetime...

always the same...awake at dawn..

always lighting the candles...

be it in a monastery...

a cave...

a buddhist temple...

a brothel...

another man's bed...

or mine...

always the same, forsaken, wanting...

the same body.

the same conversation...

the same - soul...

my soul...

wanting to go home...to be with god...

and dissolved into...

nothingness...

and this light...that i carry and evelopes me...

and makes me -- reminds me of my home...

golden and makes all bow and kneel...

it never seems to fade: 

no...

it just seems to grow brighter: cursing me still...

>>>>>

all the names that connect to the bodies...

and the pills, and the sea of alcohol...

and the manifestations of this world...

are but shawdows...

compared to the ultimate sea...of love ?

power, spark

light...

cosmos....something...

an energy

that will not take me...

i suppose now - that i'am forced to recant a few tales...

here for your pleasure, be it carnal or banal...

and here it is:....

because unconciouness  and the netherworld of forgetting escapes me every fucking - waking minute....

that also, i have some vague idea that sometime, somehwere, there might be some other - lonely - angry god to talk to...

or seduce into entering me and transforming my solace into something other than -- this un-ending love....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

i take my meds...

some are blue and some are white 

and some are red...

and yes i'am immortal...

by very virtue of what i'am///

i can not die...

yes, it is true that if i severed my head from the rest of my body that indeed i would transform...

into what?

just another body in this material world...and have to accrue all the simple plans and fears again: only to shed them, again...

only to die again but never - ever - really die....

again...

simply -- walk through another path -- strewn with the same, dull panic and wanting...and walking around -- half parched...

never really dying of thirst...

my thirst never really quenched...

and all the while drowning...

and falling, but never really swimming...

or seeing the door -- to the upper floors of light and the always missing the hallway...

>>>>>>>the universe seems to re-arrange...

but i'am never cold or hot or weak or strong...

but always looking...

they all promise love and none of them know what it is...

no - they don't know what it is....

>>>>>>i take my meds...

you take your meds...

we all take our meds....

and the world just spins around and around and around...

it stops and starts and freeze and blows apart

and gets re-created again 

and we all just take our meds....

trying to commit to someting 

but organic tv dinners and smoking is the only thing i can think of right  now...

and yeah maybe finding, the "one" -- yep 

just like everybody else...

more on this later...

i love you 

sean