Dancing with Androids...

dancing with Androids///////////////

the train to nowhere...


spinning dreams for all my lovers
tonight -- medicated and numb...
the battle field of my body
life.
long ago...
poetry filled my eyes...
the breezes were always just right...
the night was never cruel....

once...forever ago...stars...and skies


life was poetry...filled with nuances that you understood...that formed you --
now
on this train to nowhere -- dancing with androids -
frozen in a dream...
paralyzed by a past that wont forget me --
by the poetry i cant forget or process or understand -

the scuffed green walls of the long hallway
the blues in a sex club...
the red bar i went to everynight...
the colors seeped into my mind over and over and over...
they were so rich and layered...even the pain was something new then...
as if life had given me too much beauty --
but now i was -- time was -- stopped - on this train -- racing into the night...
drinking - medicating, forever wanting --
something...
sitting there --
in front of the android -- fixed into his gaze...
pouring me another glass of sorrows and promises...

the android - handsome -- pulled from my dreams...
the air never really stale but never fresh...
the lights never changed...the sounds muted...

my android partner always gazing toward me in the same caring, loving -- drowsy manner...but he didn't feel....
never came toward me to strike me or embrace me -
only stared back...
and then the drinking and the medication took over -- failed to be an enhancer for all the rest --

now i need the medication to stay alive --
to create me
to make me breathe -
to make god love me...
love me enough to punish me...

to make life tradgic enough that it will matter
to create a sensational ending to it all...
the train of night rolling into a future that always meets the past...and continues on...

the android seems to have some warmth but really, never does...but then just his the gaze was enough to continue breathing...
and wondering
what youve become -- and knowing -- from the ticking --
the ticking away...
how it all adds up the solitary thought that:
it would probably be better to explode than to burn away...
maybe if one person or star could see you burning alive -- if a person could join you -- or know you -- then your life would be returned to poetry...

until then youll simply be dying -- dying to the world...
no longer an aria -- with a melody - without music
not even knowing the consolation of whithering --
no.
not even whithering into a beautiful knarled tree to provide something of rest --
the passage of time...or the surface to carve something into...

as the body hurries along to death
the mind simply remains...
all the kind words -- and the movements at night --

the bodies needs and wants...
the mind trying to console...
the mind forever away - wanting the body but not connecting...
always frozen - forever like ice...
always beautiful
yes - something always beautiful...
and never dying....
like the android...always moving and gazing but never dying...
like machines - inside - blue lights - flashing...
but not thinking -- ever again...
and yes...beautiful...
machines on a machine - run by machines...
returning to become...
the ghost in the machine....
on this train - where love doesnt matter anymore...

this is what regret has in store for you...
this is what happens when you follow a path filled with wanting...
touching the walls and wondering what they look like on the other side...
watching your body lay on the cool tile floor...
watching them trying to breathe life back into you...
a bottle of pills scattered around...the blue bed of life...and you alone and far above....drifitng into the stars...
and far above you realize...
you are one molecule in the scheme of eternity...
but youve found your soul...

it really never mattered what the body did or was doing...
it was always beautiful...
always beautiful...

you found your soul....and it was potery....

Sean Bateman