He gave me Poetry...September 2008

Fall...September 2008

the promise of fall...

the cooler breeze...

the winter to touch 

soon...

cold white...

Autumn..

the grounds becoming moist and birthing (a newer)

 life...

the wonderful cycle...

that is time here...

time...

this morning 

awakening early...

everything seemed new...

as if I were no longer dying...

or needed medicine to breathe...

or continue...

or relax

or sleep...

or 

become life...

again...

(but )

somehow re-connecting 

to a body that I had dropped:

long ago...

since, forgotten...

buried in treasures of men...

forgotten bodies...

touching a light I had to know...

wanting to tell Michael...

I saw Michael's picture online a few days ago...

but didn't think much of it at the time...

but then today 

suddenly 

I was returned 

brought back 

to 1987 or so...

to a time when we all were in shock and burying everything...

feelings and then ideas

- becoming life...

upon which we sprang...

as all the universes open 

and we jumped and jumped and jumped more...into them all...with grace...

and maybe love...

like puddles everywhere - 

like flying 

wings...

yes angels...

floated out of then and filled the streets of pain that we lived on...

we..

held our poetry close...

shared it...

brought it out...

owned and disowned...so many, 

many people...

blurred...the vision...

birthed...the animals that would roam...here and there...

becoming...our futures...of light and honor and forming us into the sages we were but didn't know it...

yes.

we

from the tiny

unformed...boxes...

of the deformities handed to us...

which crippled us then but now - 

has become--

transcended...

white light...

yes...

(we)

created

and grieved..and lit candles and swam..

(one of Michael's favorite...analogies...)

he told me to swim with both hands open...

I never forgot that...

and so be it...

the magician gave me entrance...

and turned me loose...into the waters of everything...

I

Swam...

I swam 

fast and hard...and slow...and glided... and gazed 

forever...

because of him...

thru the murky - sometimes confused...anger-ridden...

fascinating

black...red

waters

that every rainbow came from... 

 shimmering...

waves...

undertow...

surface....

then 

to emerge into some magical

gold-filled lit up world that appeared from a long night of talking and dreaming and hoping everything were different...

***

It all returned...when I saw Michael's...picture...

**

God...he taught me to laugh...

and gave me hope -in a strange - like f**ked way - actually...

(It's a compliment to him...)

yes

he was giving...me wonderful gifts of his presence...

another vision of things...

that I couldn't really understand at the time...

making sense...

??

yes...

In fact, I have to tell him--

that everything he hinted at but never defined...

manifested:

right on time...

that since he faded...

I have died...

four - maybe five times...

only now to return

and say: "Thank you..."

"The light you gave me-- really is so f**king incredible...

and now I know that...

yeah...

Thank you...

ten 20 40

lifetimes ago...

amazing...

I never stopped writing...

never stopped telling...

because he told me to...

pleaded me...

and somewhere I agreed...

"ok...I understand..."

today...

No.

yes.

maybe...

none of it makes sense...

and time-- 

the time - of - past...

future...

sideways...

minutes...of 

1987

84

85 

?

dunno...

frozen...spaced out...

yet to be over-coated and medicated...

my worst fear...

as everything turned into the abyss...

1984...

stop...87

Michael...

appears...and then weaves into my life - 

he told me who I'am...

and then drifted away...

yeah - maybe into a place of my heart...

a secret box...

that I stumble upon on occasion...

today...

and forward and forward and forward more...

everything seems "endless"

in a good way...

a million minutes of time...

and ideas and dreams...

and simple - pure...sparkles...

that seemed to fall - 

gently from the clouds onto the crime ridden streets of Manhattan...

they glowed with life - 

rage 

pain...

and promise...

so many deaths 

giving so much life...

as gifts of love...

forever...

it hurts because it is--seems, too beautiful...

that they all did that...

died so the world could know truth...

1987

to

2008

clarity was impossible then...

and all the doors...

and the multicolored hallways...

were just 

coated...

and unopened...

today...

time seems to run into so many shades...

now - swirling into something like wisdom and knowing...

like a moss covered

 path 

strewn - 

with so much (wild) insanity...

and color..

and flowers...

and 

dreams...

and 

men...whose eyes had all the promises

and bodies contained all the secrets that I had to know...

their light...

their kisses...

their...words...

bodies...

all entering me...

like Michael

told me they would...

He spoke of all the men...

hinted that it would - might - could 

happen to me too...

he explained...

that I was "lucky" somehow but he never explained why he thought that...

he always said that --

That: 

I didn't know how beautiful I was...

and once he cried

trying to tell me...but I was gone...

and inside their were so many...

uncountable fragments

shards of scars yet to be uncovered...

I had no idea that I could be whole...

or contain light or truth...

I was all the borrowed "projections..."

of all the things people told me I was...

but the angels

hadn't kissed me yet...

I hadn't touched death...

was yet to "die" to truth...or art...

or maybe arms...

of God...

the army of demons...

always

floating away...from everything...

saying:

"good-bye..."

before I ever arrived anywhere...

the Dreams...

sky

fury...

my body - becoming real to me...

full of everything...that was going to explode..

at some future time...

I couldn't hold it...

and it fired...out of my eyes...

always...

always...

as an accusation..of sorts...to anyone 

everyone...

but no, I didn't know that...

I was sleeping...

alive...

dead

sleeping...

sound

had not occurred me yet...

in a cocoon...

untouched...

Michael...

holding up 

the glowing - white white burning

fear and maybe love...

brightness of something like a

morning...

held it 

for me to examine...

but I was gone....

so far away and gone...

***

shackled inside a black cave with a fabulous

beast 

that whispered...

for me to die and die and die...

and disintegrate...

(I ponder)

evenings

forever 

holding (coffee? tea?) cups...

like Alice in the wonder-land...

new...

amazed

confused...

drinking fast...

savoring...

all the flavors...

while stars lifted out of them...

and surrounded everything in light...

Michael gave birth to so many things within myself...

(he was amazing...)

telling me the stories...

of his history....

poetry spilled out him...

constantly...

as a gift...

something like genius...

emanating from this incredible place of rage...

drama...

the looking truth

and speaking

perhaps -

granting pardon...to the accused...

all in one breathe...

burning and imprinting me...like a tattoo that will not fade...

even 20 years later..

 I saw - that he dared - 

to be

to be alone

to be alive

to tell...

He

show me -- 

the ocean

and it seemed that I could float on it - swim near it -or in it 

 and make it my own...

pouring all the waters...

into my heart and self...

sparking - jump starting me back to life...

dead as I was...

and never really moving...

kinda frozen and glazed over...

and locked away...

not to be touched...

barbed wire 

everywhere...

yes, everywhere...

1987

and on...

the coffee shops...

(that floated in the sky...)

he wrote so many words from his pain...

and some of them he gave to me 

- as I said...

"as a gift..."

here---take this....

which I held briefly

and then 

buried and planted...

not to return...for 

ten lifetimes...

but it did 

return...

oh yeah...

it sure did...

Michael...

it seems now 

a wonderful memory

of laughter...

and rage -

and fear 

the cotton-candy dream...

of lucidity...

hope?

the kaleidoscope...

of miracles or a solution

or a way out...

Doors...unknown...

Michael...

for a long time he seemed to be always there...

I turned a few corners...

and he faded...

away...

like 

losing your favorite shirt...

but knowing...

the absence of it was right...

***

the remaining glow..

from another person...

their 

soul on fire...

pierces the center(s)

and ignites...

burns the seeds open...

returns the favor...

and

becomes a gold...

***

today...

the mundane seems a treasure like it never has...

my puppy...

a fire-cracker...

alive

sparking...

barking off --

so excited by the prospect...

of the laundry...

piled onto the floor...

to go to the cleaners...

she dives into the shirts and boxer-shorts and socks with glee...and 

pure wonder...

sniffing everything

each piece of clothing...

and finding the one she likes the most...

she carries it away to a corner...and lies upon it...

and falls a sleep - 

her own private island of comfort...

peaceful

safe and warm...

I think 

Michael 

might like to see my dog...

in a heaven of love...

in her own 

special bliss

 slumbering...

protected by love...

I know Michael would think the sight:

"beautiful..."

thats what he called everything...

thats what he gave me...

the ability to see beauty...

 I  have

finally 

grown up...

became the person he urged me to become...

a billion hours ago...

like him...

I can see beauty...

like his poetry...

complicated...

warm

genius

hovering

flying 

returning...

dreaming...

giving words...

giving...

poetry....

he gave me...

poetry....

he gave me light...

he has an honored place on my quilt...

thank you...

(flowers appear everywhere...)

wow.

you were a great teacher...

thank you...

now I'am honored...

and born...

K

9/08

the fire within

now burning thru the forrest of forgotten hopes...

dreams another 

sky scape...

burns it all away...

to make clear the path...

the ocean clean and 

forgiving...

swim

swim

swim....

free...

with both hands open....

into all the colors...

swim

and glide...

thru

fire - water...

the sacred light...

balanced

and pure...

amen.