Randy by SeanB 4 SeanBlog - (rough draft copy)

A strange pain....and 
a better messiah...
>>>>>>>>
>>> Stare.
Staring into the mirror...
who is looking back ?
???


I dont know what i look like anymore...
an etherial spirit of light gracing the heavens...?
A lump of dust...walking toward my next death?
evolved - 
the enlightend...falling...
in a spiraled journey homeward bound...

Am I 

A sad - desperate, tired consumer, lost in the media mire of self pity and greed and forever wanting???

i look into the mirror and see lost traces...
of other lifetimes...pain, incredible joy - sadness...
traces...of traveling...
wandering...

I see
the residue of of things I threw away...
things that always come back...Ghosts...

Nghtly - nightly hauntings...
I see
a dream, 
another life, 
a vision - so faded that I hardly recognize what i wanted to be...
like a past life....

past lives...people who are gone...

reflections - passersby...
nieghboors, my nieghboors - their grey-whiteless dark lost faces...
painted with pain and closed--off
I watch them - I stare - 
they come and go...
their doors open and close...
their lives go on...
on hold...
they stare...
on the street they look away...
run away...
into the rain - they are gone..

the rain taps upon the pavement...
upon the window...
I stare...out.
gently, 
day becomes night...
I stare into a window - all the windows
and wonder 
where I've been-- who is the ghost that entered my life on some unknown street or corridor...
the ghost within - 
in my body that seems to stare back at me thru all these windows - stares back to me from my nieghboors eyes...
I freeze.

Somewhere I became frozen.
Hanged, upside down...the brown-red blood dried eyes...
frozen - no longer bright...still but pained...
but not frozen - they move...but there is no movement...
inside...
outside - storms...fog, melancholy: night...

where I could be going...? I wonder...

I go away - when i stare....
frozen and melting...the window shows....me melting...and smoking and lighting and lightning...
lying... 

filled with truth...
mirrors - windows, reflections...
everywhere...
windows - hallways - portals...but they are closed...

the phone rings..
another lost confession...
calling on the ears of sorrow...
I hang up - and feel nothing...
I fall into staring and dreaming...
back to when I was a boy...
to become the boy...

the boy- who wanted to be a Dad...
the Father that never arrived...
Always around the corner...
rage - or vengefull...quiet and absent...
my father...now long gone...but haunting and hovering still...
always.
Staring...

I'am 
in my dreams -- I'am now the "Dad"
in my dreams...
I'am walking through the door - strong and pure - 
the band of gold gleaming...the perfect masculinity...
I lean down to embrace everyone withn the walls of my castle...
the family pet - wagging its tail...
carrying the newspaper..- reading it stoically....
the pilliair of truth and wisdom and sanity...
like a dream...
when I was...

12 years old...
I wanted to be just like my Dad...
it was all going to be so wonderful...
an imaginary picket fence surrounding our lives...
our lives...
the picket fence of our lives...
The television version...
nothing could stop us from "Being Happy..."
Being Happy:
fear and doubts and strange dis-eases could never permeate nor penetrate the boundary...of the picket fence...
no - the perfect dream of beauty and light and being good...
of being happy---could never be tainted...
No.
my dream - from another life so long long ago - it was 
all so coated and flooded with light....
Like a magician, a prince, a king -- a ruler - I (would) protect the kingdom...
become the saviour...
the Messiah...of your own life ...?

Who is the savior of our time ?
this...
messiah - this person or thing or idea that will awaken us out of this cave of shadows - and lost dreams...?
the dull ache of what we could be-- could have been or wanted to be - and awaken us to what we are....

each day.
The World begins to spin furiously....
It stops making sense for you...
crushing you in the crucible of intellectualizing...
of wanting too much, 
or 
of having feelings...
of seeing all the opposites..
thinking one thing and then feeling another...
of morality, and perpetuity, of value and consequnece...
of choices - and meaning...and
of lost meaning...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


>>>>>>>strange pain...
today was not unlike any other day actually...
I awoke amongst the mutterings of my lost youth and confidance - amongst the scatter of my pity - stupidity - humanity - lust and history...
Coffee brewing - while I light candles for my morning meditation...
first thought upon awakening...
"Half dead or almost alive...?"

I cant decided which one...
It seems I'am always wondering when life will begin here or then again - when it will end...
Life begins at fourty...fifty is the new 30...
life begins...
Life is the solution ?
or 
Life is the problem ?
when...
your younger -- you wish to be older...
alas
your older you yearn to be younger...
Awake..
stop staring...just awake...
>>>>>>>>

I awake...
to my history....
as far back as I could remember - life was always a dare...
A want 
a gamble...
strange - laughable....
boring...
the life of fears - 
the life of inherited pains and aches...
a genius haze of self hatred coating everything 
causing a constant need - 
an inflammation...
this is how I awake...
from the long night of dreams...
of yester-years....

Age 12 - 
The Frozen memory.

(If you could go back...)
to the age where - everything stopped and you were frozen...
forever
The age where you closed off or stopped processing new information about the world or even yourself...

lost traces
of the day you knew youd always be alone...
The remembrance of 
the time you realized that you were sitting in a rotting lump of flesh that began dying from the moment you opened your eyes - yes your body...
dying...this is your life ending - one moment at a time...

Here...
Now 
morning - coffee brewing - meditation....but nothing ever seems to move..

First memory- my father was not happy to see me...
pause...

>>>>>>>>>>
coffee still works to a degree...and yes I still smoke...
coffee - no sugar and a fine organic cigarette...and then a long meditation - sometimes up to two hours if I have the day off...
Lots of coffee and meditation...
An infinite buzz - all the way around...
Feeling good....
Candles. OMMM chanting - buzzed...and high...

but at the end of the day i need to double-dose my sleeping pills...

Captain Ambien....
ah yes...just take two and its like instant suicidal thinking...
lulled and seduced - if not hypnotized....into the dreamless state:
frozen for a few hours...Ambien doesnt put you to sleep : its freezes you...
sleeping pills: Ambien
Heath Ledger - so they said - took Ambien and died ?
I loved Heath...

Frozen: is that the same as numb?
froze - 
i froze - so long ago...perhaps - it became ice inside...?
sleeping - 
hypnotic rest -?
spaceless - dreamless -- 
movementless - dark time...where nothing comes in and nothing comes out - 
like being paralyzed 
only 
your eyes are closed...
or worse - of course - during most of my days..paralyzed in another way..

paprlyzed with your eyes opened...
the Hanged man....
pause...

>>>>>>>>>was anything ever supposed to make sense here?
was anything ever supposed to be healed here....
was anything ever supposed to be filled here...with Life..

was anyone at anytime 
ever allowed to move...from the lost state of hopeful - pitiful - implanted wants and fears and dreams that were handed to you....before you could first utter a sentence or even understand the word "NO..."
?
was anything really - ever supposed to touch you?
what was the point?
what is the point ?
life washing over you - - happens around you but it seems as if nothing changes...

>>>>>>>>>Randy was the first born son on my Uncles side of the family...
I remember him being so beautiful...
I dont think I've ever seen light such as his come out of anyones eyes since him...since that day...

Randy - light brown hair that streaked to blonde in the summer skies over California where i grew up...and bright luminous wise soothing eyes that were a perfect light Blue...
Under the sun drench and glare of swimming pools...
Randy -- in his swim trunks...smiling and yelling at me to come into the pool...
Summer..
beach Sundays and yeah working on cars in my Uncles garage...
going to football games...getting drunk...smoking pot...watching TV..
my cousins all hung around in the summers...me, Jake, (Randy's younger brother)...and I laid by the pool most days...

my uncle had the standard white plaster pool that turned the water the perfect swimmingpool-blue -- which I liked: but the pool at my parents house was plastered: Black...we were the first ones in our neighboorhood to have a colored swimming pool...
I loved it...
Black warm water. Murky, 
Dark. 
A mysterious body of bottomless liqiud to swimm in...

At night sometimes I'd smoke a few bong hits...
sometimes alone or sometimes with Jake and Randy - sometimes with only Randy...

My Uncles house was in the next tract of houses over....just a quick bike ride away: maybe ten minutes at most...so so were always one place or another...my parents never really checked that much where we were becuase we were mostly at one house or the other...

>>>>>yeah. Randy and I would smoke a bowl of some ritcheous Hawwiian Golden buds and mellow the hell out...and laugh and watch Tv or maybe sit by our pool...at night and talk...and hed sometimes tell spooky-like ghost stories...
>>>>>>>>>>>which I totally loved...

Randy, he was around 14 maybe 15 when he and my uncle bought a car - for Randy.
an oldie - junker for him to begin fixing up so that when Randy was 16 he would have the "Coolest wheels..."in the hood...


"Lifes a long dare...or it's nothing" one night Randy said from out of nowhere...handing me the bong that I hid in our garage just in case my Mom snooped around my bedroom..or something..
Randy handed me the bong and said that..."Life is a dare..."
I was mesmerized by his words sometimes...
but after you smoked pot - you always said strange - funny or kinda mystical - intellectual things like that - or so I remember...

"It's all a dare..." Randy's words echoed and seem to stick in the back of my mind...that one week...
"A Dare..."
"Life is a dare..."
My eyes wondered up into the night sky and then back to the Black pool heated and wafting a type of chlorinated mist into the backyard...
I was really stoned that night...
I laid my head onto Randy's lap and fell a sleep...
I was - I think around 12 or 13 only a few years younger than Randy...and Jake was I think 14 but Randy seemed so much older...to me..like secure or he knew things...that I didn't...


I woke up later after Randy carried me to bed - woke up to see the ful moon slid slowly across my window and wnet outside into the backyard and just sat there
staring down into the black swimming hole that I loved so much...
It was like a magic pond or something: something mystical or that could bring healing or something special...something extraordinary...

Jake was nowhere around that night...maybe at the park or in the back - cement/basin?waterwash run-offs that traversed much of Los Angeles...
where he loved riding his bike and looking at junk people threw in there soemtimes...
My uncles house was built along one of those basins...those giant cement basins that seem to begin nowhere and run forever: back to nowhere...and when it rained...you sure knew what they were for....but you never knew where all that water ended up...
when it rained Jake and Randy and I would watch the cement basins fill up with water...
and they filled up fast...sometimes -- the junk that had been in there or thrown in there from the Summer would float by...:
once we saw an entire tree, and another time a car....
no lie just floating by...
the waters could get up to 30-40mph when it rains hard for several days...rushing past us and rushing fast wed sit on the dirt ledge and watch the water run by fast...it seemed wild - wonderous...going somehwere and doing it fast...
sometimes Jake would lift up the manholes in the street near his house and walk through the sewer channels that lead into the larger cement basins along under his house and under all the nieghboors house - I went with Jake once...it was just he and I and jake stopped to take a piss and then showed me his dick and started laughing...
and I ran away...
you never knew what Jake was going to do...he had this totally fucked up wild streak...maybe kinda violent...but yeah something in him was just wild...

>>>>>>One afternoon a few days after it had rained...
my Aunt was down at the neighboors having Margaritas...
we sat by my uncles pool..the blue pool...Randy and I talking...
Randy liked to talk...he was calmer than Jake...
Jake was always doing something: trying to make pipe bombs...
trying to catch the nieghboors cat to torture it...sticking fire crackers in frogs mouths and lighting them...and then laughing...
Jake was always laughing about something...

>>>>>>>>Coffee brewing...first thought of the day...
Randy...
what happened to Randy --- 

to be continued...