Christian - my love thru many lifetimes...by seanb
>>>dear -------- Christian...
its six AM over a crisp clear -- biting cold manhattan sky...
i awake -- my body nearly paralyzed from the two Ambiens the valiums and muslce relaxers and what?
the mind numbing ideas that float in and out of me...
and still I awake...NO -- still in the winter slumber of this month -- still I can not sleep....
I lay here...my eyes water...
I can not cry --
I can not makes sense of the tne lifetimes that has passed beofre my eyes in this body...
I'am a vampire... a child, a poet, words and images -- water rushing, all inside -- outside, around my bed...
a calling...
ten lifetimes..
other loves...many of whom -- still emmante from the body...as if our loving making transcends all time...
as if it were alive...the eyes, the sensation of love -- pouring forth and about and around, like the hours...and the waters...
filling up the room here...
the hours...
the flowers on the table - white, and the flames of my love, all my loves but one particulair, --- whom i know resides forever in my heart...who is from me -- and he and I will return to God together sme day...
but he -- was then -- in another body...a woman -- stunning and angry...
I was dashinng -- and handsome beyond...she is in a room of wealth and finery...
is having a fit of sorts - the kind that made me forever fall in love with her...
and melt me into her...
the hours that pass... are nothing, the minutes that fade are nothing ...
compared to what happened inside of me when we made love...
it was like touching fire, like holding the delicate blue of the flame to my breast...
the eyes, entranced and hot and cool and yet warm all at once...
the sensations fo the body...yes..she -- yes forever, yes that lifetime, that house...
and thus she forbades me to enter that room where i stood and entered her...
her raven night -- eyes and china white skin...so fine and bold and strong and poetic and pure...
raging -- again raging...
as i'am time to her...I'am love to her...i'am anger to her...I'am everything to her...
and thus that also means -- that I'am hatred and pain to her...
together we turned every nobleman's and and squires and pontiffs eyes-- all to us...
as if god himself -- had his hnad in creating us two -- now made to be in love for eterntiy...
A torment -- of sorts knowing...that indeed -- you can never be seperated...not torn asunder...
no -- never be as two...from the first hour, the first day -- the first night..and meling...
no
the two were then forever joined...
I knocking...outside and calling to my beloved...and yet -- she does not come...
no she will not...
it was about a boy, who meant nothing to me, and yet it happened all the still...in the stable -- one afternoon, somethat that happens between men, on a hot - warm, all too quiet day...
I promised my beloved an eterntiy the night beofre, and spoke my true words...
I'am -- I was a man of my word and thus having spoke -- she spakred a flame to the candle...
and bit my lip to reveal blood -- but i dint not whince...
..((this is all becoming clear -- but slowly--- THE "Remembering..." in this lifetime i call his name by "Chrsitian..." and of whom i have never met fact to face...
"christian--Christian.."
I suppose it would be inevitable that he would choose tha name -- in this lifetime...since of course it is and always has been the honey to my ears...my favorite -- most coveted of sounds...
"Christian..."
through the strange years of my life...
I -- myself have thought of -- wanted to be called that, but i knew it wasnt my name...yes it belonged to someone i would love forever -- have loved forever, yes i knew -- but as of yet - had not met...
In answer to your query now-- I'am real, and yes he is real...
and yes I can not shake that other lifetime and many lifetimes with him -- and us as two other people...two other bodies...
another time period...
othher than this...
just now --
in this lifetime...
ican feel him thinking about me..under his own sky -- a seperate coast apart...
music in the background...he on a chaise overlooking, the city that makes dreams...
"Christian..." my beloved from so many lifetimes again...
to endure the absence of his kiss...the running away from me through time...
"Christian.." putting on a spell on men... that never whiters...
"Christian..."
yes -- even at this very hour-- watching through the looking glass of eterntiy-- i see him -- as her...
in the room...
and we are locked away in the madness of that other time...
where upon she enters the stable door -- to find us...
the stable boy and i -- in an amourous pose...
I to him, partaking - of his youth, so fine and subtle..and pure it was...
ans she -- her eyes -- now a-raged-- enraged with anger, that i dared to give my seed to another...
i turn-- we turn --
the boy and I and she runs...
runs away to the house -- through the woods...i look down upon him and kiss his forhead, almost sensing that i will never see him again..
and as i run toward her...knowing this indeed will be my last and final night in this body....in this form...
not for having dared to share my lust with another man -- but simply because I belonged to her and only her.... and she, having thus - arrived -- and glimpsing the passion in my face at that moment - at the stable door, was driven to pure and absolute madenss...
A madness she would not recover from - nor ever - be able to cool- or quell...
and thus -- yes through the wooded-- trees that encircled the house, a house where our pact was solidified...
a home off wealth and priveledge...and I ran toward it -- it towering white granduer...knowing that fate had beeen sealed...and soon...it would be in ruins...somehow...
it would all be turned...or lost or broken...
her rage...
the house --
the boy--
my heart...
a fire -- my phallus still heated -- my throat ahcing for what was to come...the punishment i must endure for falling so hopelessly -- truly and deeply and abidingly in love...
spanning across eveything...
my love for her...
i would have been glad to live as a pauper...if only to have that time gain...that day again, in the late afternoon and that stillness in my soul again...
she runs --
I run - i call her name...Alexandria!
but she can not hear - nor see - or know anything excpet that she has been betrayed...
"he is nothing..."
i call to her..."nothing..."
but she can not hear...she is gone -- far -- far into her madness...
and now sparks the flame to a candleabra...
and without a monets notice i see the windows of our most treasued home..
thehome where we entertained, the elite of the world at one time...
the windows... a flame...
"Alexandria!!"
I call out in the foyer...and then beat down -- and hit through - the main -- boudior door where she is...
and i see the flames...now dancing lazily up one side of the wall next to our bed...
and she turns...an ending is near...and our eyes meet----
I gaze upon her and try - as time stops..now forever and ever and always frozen...
frozen even more that the mahattan sidewalks of a few hundred years later...where upon through an elctronic device would recant my tale here for you...
yes...she turns and gazes and time freezes and i utter:
"I will always -- love you..."
and she begins to cry and enters my arms.....her fine pale ---lace gown...now-- a glow -- with those flames and then she enters my arms for the last and final time and we embrace...and go together...
into the heavens and back to the god that created us...
yet burned now togehter...
as muses and angels and water melting and snow falling...as trees swaying and sun coming down...she and I...together...now burned into one...as out bodies from tha time...release us...
and then in the distance..i gaze down to the late afternoon to see the boy watching the house burn to the ground and weep...
and her soul departs mine-- rips from mine..as violnet as every storm combined and diappears inot the heavens...into another body...perhaps into this lifetime-- only still the spell remains..until i feel her again --
now as another name...now as something found that was always missing...
now the final piece of my wanting...forever and ever wanting --something in this lifetime and never being able to grasp what it was...
it was her...it is -- him...
and then when i saw his picture...i saw those eyes...again...encased in a new body -- i knew it was her..
yes i knew it was my other soul-- my other half and my final piece...my own self...melted into her - him so long ago...
and indeed in this lifetime his name: is chrsitian...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
woe to me... and pity to me...and i have endured and suffered for loving him...all these lifetimes...
many of which she-- he never surfaced...
a pain that could never be quelled nor medicated nor - simplified nor purified because as i have told you was born in purity...
and i think that perhaps you might recognize my tale...and although be perplexed as to the why - i recant it spefically to you..i think you will understand somehow..in the latter remmnants of your spirit-- in the wind -- watching as you were...while the two of us burned on that summers day-- your heart forever broken...
alexandria and I -- leaving you as we were - as we did -- so suddenly...and I'am sorry...
andnow make me regrets free and known here to you...
and if the utterances of words having meaning or weight-- or purpose -- here now in this future time...
time time--
a time that truly is forzen within...and for all intents and pruposes does not exist...
then I'am to say here that i'am sorry...
and that I loved you and do love you -- in a much more poetic and charmed and perhaps...less impassioned way than her...
but love none the less..
and perhaps...glancing over your notes here in this electronic space i believe that you are to understand my apology...
and would upon consideration- accept it - for the both of us...and that yes i loved you...
and that your kiss that lone lazy beautiful afternoon was one of the finest that i have had to endure...
yes -- I'am sorry and truly -- as i know anything know that it was you -- on that afternoon in the french countryside...
and Alexandria>>? now named in this lifetime-- Chrisitian..and i kirk...
yes - the two os us..having never met...but me always knowing i would see her again and perhaps you...yes..here we are..again...
so the mending of my heart and yours could be released and spoken and known...
He thinks me mad...for saying or knowing all of this -- today..but it is as real in my soul...and the breath upon my lips and the cold sky aboove...
Today...through the haze of medicines and pain and doubts of this life...it is Chrisitan - was who then Alexandria, a beuaty to her and now to him that transcends time...
and yet each night -- i whisper into the phone -- and yes he thinks me mad and perhaps is frightned by the ghosts i summon to him...
and i call to him and he at times seems to be residinghere with me in my bed and bosom and in the sheets and walls and the oxegen of the space...
Christian..holding power over me still...
and thinking me mad for whispering how deeply I'am in love -- still...from al the other times and bodies...and sunsets weve shared...christian -- will you ever rmemebr that we were born together - must die and be re-born togther foever...never released until we are once again burned back into god's arms...
christian my beloved and everything -- of course -- to say i love you-- has no consequnce...nevermore..
in this life but in know that somehwere you know...
somehwere in time...with the tears that stream down my cheeks...
the hands to my forhead everynight -- the torment of your absence...
in this lifetime -- his name -- her name -- is yes Christian...
and i awash in the pain -- and knowledge...of all the other lifetimes...
i call forth for ye - to remember me now...as an incantation and prayer..and whisper yet another night into the phone and medicate the body so that the spirit may be set free -- to come to you...on the wind...
yes as i have allready -- many times -- now -- in this time since we met again...
and I whisper -- vaugue -- yet pure...
"I love you...." and then lose conciousness...to arrive at your side...
forever....
its six AM over a crisp clear -- biting cold manhattan sky...
i awake -- my body nearly paralyzed from the two Ambiens the valiums and muslce relaxers and what?
the mind numbing ideas that float in and out of me...
and still I awake...NO -- still in the winter slumber of this month -- still I can not sleep....
I lay here...my eyes water...
I can not cry --
I can not makes sense of the tne lifetimes that has passed beofre my eyes in this body...
I'am a vampire... a child, a poet, words and images -- water rushing, all inside -- outside, around my bed...
a calling...
ten lifetimes..
other loves...many of whom -- still emmante from the body...as if our loving making transcends all time...
as if it were alive...the eyes, the sensation of love -- pouring forth and about and around, like the hours...and the waters...
filling up the room here...
the hours...
the flowers on the table - white, and the flames of my love, all my loves but one particulair, --- whom i know resides forever in my heart...who is from me -- and he and I will return to God together sme day...
but he -- was then -- in another body...a woman -- stunning and angry...
I was dashinng -- and handsome beyond...she is in a room of wealth and finery...
is having a fit of sorts - the kind that made me forever fall in love with her...
and melt me into her...
the hours that pass... are nothing, the minutes that fade are nothing ...
compared to what happened inside of me when we made love...
it was like touching fire, like holding the delicate blue of the flame to my breast...
the eyes, entranced and hot and cool and yet warm all at once...
the sensations fo the body...yes..she -- yes forever, yes that lifetime, that house...
and thus she forbades me to enter that room where i stood and entered her...
her raven night -- eyes and china white skin...so fine and bold and strong and poetic and pure...
raging -- again raging...
as i'am time to her...I'am love to her...i'am anger to her...I'am everything to her...
and thus that also means -- that I'am hatred and pain to her...
together we turned every nobleman's and and squires and pontiffs eyes-- all to us...
as if god himself -- had his hnad in creating us two -- now made to be in love for eterntiy...
A torment -- of sorts knowing...that indeed -- you can never be seperated...not torn asunder...
no -- never be as two...from the first hour, the first day -- the first night..and meling...
no
the two were then forever joined...
I knocking...outside and calling to my beloved...and yet -- she does not come...
no she will not...
it was about a boy, who meant nothing to me, and yet it happened all the still...in the stable -- one afternoon, somethat that happens between men, on a hot - warm, all too quiet day...
I promised my beloved an eterntiy the night beofre, and spoke my true words...
I'am -- I was a man of my word and thus having spoke -- she spakred a flame to the candle...
and bit my lip to reveal blood -- but i dint not whince...
..((this is all becoming clear -- but slowly--- THE "Remembering..." in this lifetime i call his name by "Chrsitian..." and of whom i have never met fact to face...
"christian--Christian.."
I suppose it would be inevitable that he would choose tha name -- in this lifetime...since of course it is and always has been the honey to my ears...my favorite -- most coveted of sounds...
"Christian..."
through the strange years of my life...
I -- myself have thought of -- wanted to be called that, but i knew it wasnt my name...yes it belonged to someone i would love forever -- have loved forever, yes i knew -- but as of yet - had not met...
In answer to your query now-- I'am real, and yes he is real...
and yes I can not shake that other lifetime and many lifetimes with him -- and us as two other people...two other bodies...
another time period...
othher than this...
just now --
in this lifetime...
ican feel him thinking about me..under his own sky -- a seperate coast apart...
music in the background...he on a chaise overlooking, the city that makes dreams...
"Christian..." my beloved from so many lifetimes again...
to endure the absence of his kiss...the running away from me through time...
"Christian.." putting on a spell on men... that never whiters...
"Christian..."
yes -- even at this very hour-- watching through the looking glass of eterntiy-- i see him -- as her...
in the room...
and we are locked away in the madness of that other time...
where upon she enters the stable door -- to find us...
the stable boy and i -- in an amourous pose...
I to him, partaking - of his youth, so fine and subtle..and pure it was...
ans she -- her eyes -- now a-raged-- enraged with anger, that i dared to give my seed to another...
i turn-- we turn --
the boy and I and she runs...
runs away to the house -- through the woods...i look down upon him and kiss his forhead, almost sensing that i will never see him again..
and as i run toward her...knowing this indeed will be my last and final night in this body....in this form...
not for having dared to share my lust with another man -- but simply because I belonged to her and only her.... and she, having thus - arrived -- and glimpsing the passion in my face at that moment - at the stable door, was driven to pure and absolute madenss...
A madness she would not recover from - nor ever - be able to cool- or quell...
and thus -- yes through the wooded-- trees that encircled the house, a house where our pact was solidified...
a home off wealth and priveledge...and I ran toward it -- it towering white granduer...knowing that fate had beeen sealed...and soon...it would be in ruins...somehow...
it would all be turned...or lost or broken...
her rage...
the house --
the boy--
my heart...
a fire -- my phallus still heated -- my throat ahcing for what was to come...the punishment i must endure for falling so hopelessly -- truly and deeply and abidingly in love...
spanning across eveything...
my love for her...
i would have been glad to live as a pauper...if only to have that time gain...that day again, in the late afternoon and that stillness in my soul again...
she runs --
I run - i call her name...Alexandria!
but she can not hear - nor see - or know anything excpet that she has been betrayed...
"he is nothing..."
i call to her..."nothing..."
but she can not hear...she is gone -- far -- far into her madness...
and now sparks the flame to a candleabra...
and without a monets notice i see the windows of our most treasued home..
thehome where we entertained, the elite of the world at one time...
the windows... a flame...
"Alexandria!!"
I call out in the foyer...and then beat down -- and hit through - the main -- boudior door where she is...
and i see the flames...now dancing lazily up one side of the wall next to our bed...
and she turns...an ending is near...and our eyes meet----
I gaze upon her and try - as time stops..now forever and ever and always frozen...
frozen even more that the mahattan sidewalks of a few hundred years later...where upon through an elctronic device would recant my tale here for you...
yes...she turns and gazes and time freezes and i utter:
"I will always -- love you..."
and she begins to cry and enters my arms.....her fine pale ---lace gown...now-- a glow -- with those flames and then she enters my arms for the last and final time and we embrace...and go together...
into the heavens and back to the god that created us...
yet burned now togehter...
as muses and angels and water melting and snow falling...as trees swaying and sun coming down...she and I...together...now burned into one...as out bodies from tha time...release us...
and then in the distance..i gaze down to the late afternoon to see the boy watching the house burn to the ground and weep...
and her soul departs mine-- rips from mine..as violnet as every storm combined and diappears inot the heavens...into another body...perhaps into this lifetime-- only still the spell remains..until i feel her again --
now as another name...now as something found that was always missing...
now the final piece of my wanting...forever and ever wanting --something in this lifetime and never being able to grasp what it was...
it was her...it is -- him...
and then when i saw his picture...i saw those eyes...again...encased in a new body -- i knew it was her..
yes i knew it was my other soul-- my other half and my final piece...my own self...melted into her - him so long ago...
and indeed in this lifetime his name: is chrsitian...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
woe to me... and pity to me...and i have endured and suffered for loving him...all these lifetimes...
many of which she-- he never surfaced...
a pain that could never be quelled nor medicated nor - simplified nor purified because as i have told you was born in purity...
and i think that perhaps you might recognize my tale...and although be perplexed as to the why - i recant it spefically to you..i think you will understand somehow..in the latter remmnants of your spirit-- in the wind -- watching as you were...while the two of us burned on that summers day-- your heart forever broken...
alexandria and I -- leaving you as we were - as we did -- so suddenly...and I'am sorry...
andnow make me regrets free and known here to you...
and if the utterances of words having meaning or weight-- or purpose -- here now in this future time...
time time--
a time that truly is forzen within...and for all intents and pruposes does not exist...
then I'am to say here that i'am sorry...
and that I loved you and do love you -- in a much more poetic and charmed and perhaps...less impassioned way than her...
but love none the less..
and perhaps...glancing over your notes here in this electronic space i believe that you are to understand my apology...
and would upon consideration- accept it - for the both of us...and that yes i loved you...
and that your kiss that lone lazy beautiful afternoon was one of the finest that i have had to endure...
yes -- I'am sorry and truly -- as i know anything know that it was you -- on that afternoon in the french countryside...
and Alexandria>>? now named in this lifetime-- Chrisitian..and i kirk...
yes - the two os us..having never met...but me always knowing i would see her again and perhaps you...yes..here we are..again...
so the mending of my heart and yours could be released and spoken and known...
He thinks me mad...for saying or knowing all of this -- today..but it is as real in my soul...and the breath upon my lips and the cold sky aboove...
Today...through the haze of medicines and pain and doubts of this life...it is Chrisitan - was who then Alexandria, a beuaty to her and now to him that transcends time...
and yet each night -- i whisper into the phone -- and yes he thinks me mad and perhaps is frightned by the ghosts i summon to him...
and i call to him and he at times seems to be residinghere with me in my bed and bosom and in the sheets and walls and the oxegen of the space...
Christian..holding power over me still...
and thinking me mad for whispering how deeply I'am in love -- still...from al the other times and bodies...and sunsets weve shared...christian -- will you ever rmemebr that we were born together - must die and be re-born togther foever...never released until we are once again burned back into god's arms...
christian my beloved and everything -- of course -- to say i love you-- has no consequnce...nevermore..
in this life but in know that somehwere you know...
somehwere in time...with the tears that stream down my cheeks...
the hands to my forhead everynight -- the torment of your absence...
in this lifetime -- his name -- her name -- is yes Christian...
and i awash in the pain -- and knowledge...of all the other lifetimes...
i call forth for ye - to remember me now...as an incantation and prayer..and whisper yet another night into the phone and medicate the body so that the spirit may be set free -- to come to you...on the wind...
yes as i have allready -- many times -- now -- in this time since we met again...
and I whisper -- vaugue -- yet pure...
"I love you...." and then lose conciousness...to arrive at your side...
forever....
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