when darkness chooses you by seanb 4 seanblog

when darkness chooses you...

it chooses you and you alone....
in the night-time fever
the bowels of pity and desire....
the wretched - wretched prison of the body...
the soul - begging god....

when the blue attacks...to make you immortal...
or the green murky - solidified pus of all your wounds comes home...
when fantastic animals visit you in dreams...
clawing to be born...

when the knawing - non-stop low grade noise in your mind becomes a song....
drowning in the ocean -- evaporating forever and always...
then death and blackness become rich....
and life - can not be seen 
life can not be touched or soothed - 
finally - plunging so hard and close to the bottom - one imagines in the most dreaded of horrors...
horrors - of thoughts 
the abyss of wanting and danger of touching...
creating more and more pain but no -- no dis-ease to pin it on...
resistence futile...
every sunset escapes you....
kind flowers or sobs of children you hear no more....
then melancholy is surely your friend...
and dark -- the dark dark - night - the light of no night touches 
the outer-- and then finally esacapes...


>>> how long can you be a ghost in your own life ??
or pass by the moments -- tick tick tick - surround by the re-coils of fear or remorse??
how many years spent thinking and dreaming and falling into the black - ?
the folly of men...even daring to kiss a god that wants them...
or knows them or can conceal them from the devil for so long>>>
yes 
how long can god remain - a friend...
a lover a poet - a rougue -- 
in this thing called "life?"

i dont know how other men create...or care or cry...
iam unsure of the words they hear when they lay down each night into the slumber of regret...
of loves lost and treasured...
pain becoming heat....
heat becoming and transmutating....into white hot -- striking the core - 
words fall onto my pages easily in a black shade of insanity - the black swimming pool of ethers and lust...
and yet where it lands or transfixes to break the shell i can not say...
but that it does break something - for good inside - for bad...it transforms or soothes...
love something and it will never arrive - 
hate something and it stays forever....
be indifferent and it sits on your shoulder....
why this is so -- i wish i knew - but i dont 

black 
blue 
the strange lights that surround and harrass my soul all day and all night - the wonderful -- pitiful torture - that brings forth -- love ?
regeneration....
something is expelled...
combined....
released...yet again unto the mortal simple world of men - and children...
and into the mothers of earth and brightness....

yes something is released....
doubts...tears...
kisses...
heartaches...
sorrows and life....

life released....
to begin -- life...
and then of course i die again - into the bed of blue....
and my dream begins all over....

a dream of life unstoppable...
uncharted and unrestrained...

spewing out in all directions becoming the god i wanted...or could be...
and should be... 

evenutally everything turns to love...
amen....

Death...

fight club

3/07
sometimes you cheat death...
but
sometimes death cheats you...

I woke up today wanting to commit suicide - again...
I'am Sean's tired body...

I woke up to the stench of death...
I'am Sean's tired soul...

I woke up to the smell of burning rage...
I'am Sean's weary spirit...

I woke up today...to chaos and panic...
I'am Sean's polluted aura...

I woke up today - greeted by lust and greed...
I'am Sean's wicked mind...

I woke up today to wind and rain...
I'am Sean's disposition...

I woke up today with my mind -- wide open...
I woke up today...creating a god that will destroy me...

I woke up today..with a light -- unending...

I woke up today...wanting to be alive...
I woke up -- dying in a bed of plastic and pain...
I woke up today with a face that is not mine...

I woke up today with a life -- that never belonged to me...
I woke up today inhaling the dust of my dreams..

I woke up with the memory of a man f**king me...
I don't know why I always call you when I'am in this mood...
this terrible, terrible, frame of mind...
I don't know why I'am cursed to grace my thoughts here...
or the need to record every fucking second of my existence here...
or why I ache for you so badly -- that I spit melancholy in every direction...in silence -- alone with it...
wanting it -- "it" to come to me...
hearing the sound of your voice...on the other end...
wondering about you...
not sure if -- really, I ever want to see you face to face...
I dunno...
I dunno...
music...soft, ecstatic...wanting to heal you...
friends...
lovers...
music...from another time...
your soul to mine...
whispering -- all through the ages...
sitting here -- thinking of you...wondering - aching...
loss
deep loss...
sad 
loss
never knowing...if I'am on a table...
my body -- embalmed...and ready to burn...

at the end...will I have a grin, a smile...or just more pain...
??

did i touch anyone?
did I make them care?

did i fullfill my destiny....
bring about the right wave...?
transform everything as I promised?

did I love perfectly?
Did I make them care??

Did I breathe...in, the perfect light...
seduce the darkness out of me?
merge with the divine?
was it the right color?
did I exist ?

did I love perfectly??
did we meet yet-- again...only to miss each other??

what i feel -- for you...transcends -- this body and space and time...
are you the one...true..light...I can melt -- into...
??>>>

>>>>>When I'am like this...I should be alone...
everyting -- hangs from a thread...
and down -
down 
down i go -- into the blue abyss of razored waters...
into the deep - blue, so thick -- with blue...
and ponder and contemplate and worry...and fret...away...into the mercurial dust of light...
into the swarm of green and black...
here I'am...

I woke up today -- to the sounds of voices...
saying:

"wake up..."
"wake up..."

"It's time to go home..."
>>>>>>

go outside...
SB