Kirk's Contemplation for the day: August 21, 2011: "The Common Experience." by Kirk

The Common Experience.

Prayer and Meditation - Prayer and Meditation...

It seems to me that alot of my days are spent solitary - in "Spiritual Practice..."

Detatched from the world in a sense - simply trying to maintain the Buddhist tenet of "The Middle Path..."

I maintain several blogs and profile on social networking sights for my Tv show: "KirkTV"as well as updating a Twitter account logging on to journal my thoughts and impressions about the nature of the World - myself - this planet and my daily "channeling" for this blog specifically...


I look around at my apartment - the dishes are not cleaned - the clothes are in piles - sometimes I neglect my body - and eating habits as well...

It's a daily commitment - and then re-commitment that takes practice - patience and dilligence...to maintain it all...

It's overwhlming....and I ask myself - "Where's it all going ??"

I have been meditating now on a daily basis for more than 10 years and been writing on a daily basis for more than 25 years...everyday - without fail...

I seem to be consistent in a few things: My "quest" for Spiritual Wisdom and knowing and my desire to communicate it all to the world - its seems "genetic" inbred and even at times compulsive....

I ask myself - "How does it all boil down and distill Kirk??"

"what REALLY the "Bottom Line..."

?????

The Bottom Line - I'am truly happy to report sitting here at this time and space - knowing what I know now:

God the Universe - Great Spirit - has many names - faces and aspects and "In Body" we can guess at how awesome this Divine Intelligence" is but never truly "Know" it in a corporeal sense...

The Physical body has limits - limits that our souls do not...

I'am of the mind thru my Spiritual yearning inclined to believe that truly life here is simply a giant - beautiful - wonderful "Light show" for our benefit and it couldnt be more awesome....

I think of music and animals - the love I have for my companion - history of this planet - art - drama - films and food and the ocean and the sky - I love the weather and the "drama" of storms and fog and cityscapes at night...the list is endless....

where was I ?? what was I thinking when I was basically "suicidal" and could only think of destroying myself and ending my time here for most of my life ??

From about 12 years old or so I had a true and unforgiving and constant "Death Wish..."

I wanted out - the stimulation and over stimulation of feelings and energies in the Cosmos - on the planet and in my family was really too - too much for my to process and handle...

Being infinitely a True "Psychic - Empath - Emotional sensitive" and being in my teens there was really no one that could have pulled me from the depths of despair and feeling alone - having a faint memory and notion of God -- being at one with God - I remembered the "Other side..." and in comparison to this world juxtaposed against what we agree to call: "Heaven..." I was living in a "Living Hell..."

No one could show me the way out - painfully "Psychic" as I was and empathetic as well: I was soaking up the pain and fear and feelings of everyone around me....

It was like being inundated with a constant and un-ending barrage of feelings and thoughts - almost like having a "Cosmic-Conciousness..." but not having the benefit of any World wisdom - Spiritual practice or the grounding effect of the Common Experience...of the Spiritual journey -

Indigo Children....

the basic idea of the Indigo Children....is that they are - ahhh WE are highly evolved Spiritual Beings....who began to incarnate - according to the basic "Mythology" of the "Indigos..." in the mid 1960's....


When I read some of the indicators and lists of what Indigos are I felt incredible relief that I was not alone...but this was not until the advent of the internet and access to the web...

before that time you had to speak face to face with people and actually go out - go outside - yikes ! and find the books and places that could help you to understand who and what you were....

What WAS I ??

I always knew I was:

Different

Queer

Strange

other
other-worldly

cosmic

not present

spaced-out

did I say not Normal ?? or yeah Strange....and indeed I was....

I truly was not like other people and my father once told me that "Youll never fit in anywhere...Your a "Mis-fit...and there is no place in the world for a Mis-fit..."

I was branded - was I insane ??? going to go off the rails ??

I became draker and darker and it seemed like a blakc could of doubt and misery and loneliness became my constant companion...

and only friend....I would go to the bitter end...
awash at 16 years old in a budding cocaine addiction and alcoholic drinking as well....in a retarded attempt to quell all that was going on in my mind and body and spirit....

my parents God bless them were baffled by my presence more often than not and this was the 60's when I grew up so you were as a matter of course just expected to be: "Normal..." (Zombie) and fit in with the other boys and thw world and "Conform" to societies ideals and ideas of what a "Red-Blooded all American "Guy" was supposed to be like...

YIKES.....

!!!!!!!!!

nothing could have been further away fron what I was or whatI saw and did and said...

I think my parents were afraid of me sometimes because I was so intelligent and knowing...
I was a little Harry Potter in a world full of "Muggles..." and of course the Muggles hated me - didntlike me tolerated me and were even angry and out to get me...or something to that effect...


I had the thought somehwere in the back of my mind: (in my teens)
"I have to leave this place and find MY people..."

What the hell did that mean ??
but there it was - "one day I will find MY people....other people "out there" like me...whatever me was...

?????

and so the journey of the "Fool..." began and my quest rambled on....

like an out of control vehicle crashing into things and people only to move along - drive faster and then crash again -- getting totally mentally - emotionally spiritually bashed up and falling down the "Rabbit Hole..." never knowing that I could take the REd Pill" and find Morpheus the God of Dreams...and turn the nightmare I was living into a dream of flow and beauty....


stop....
breath - breathe.....

just breathe....

********


"the Drama of Darkness"

The drama is the memory of the "Other Side..."

I remember as I took upon myself to began journaling my thoughts and feeling and Contemplations around 12 years old...on that certain day having felt touched by something "Higher..." was it God - A God - angels and my Higher self sitting here now in 2011 looking back to 1972...offering encouragement and hope to my 12 year old self -- that I wrote out:

"My goal is to "Know everything..."

to have all the experiences of life....
or something to that effect...

I knew even back then that this was not the "regular" or Normal thoughts and writings of an adolescent boy male...

hence - in 1973 the other boys wanted or your parents wanted for you to become - a specifically Male oriented profession...

Lawyer
fireman
baseball player

The President

dentist ??

football player -
doctor -

there I was on the side of my parents house - a house that I never felt comfortable in...it was very clear - the energy in this house and the general feeling was :
"your not wanted..."

was it a Karmic....overtone from another life - ??

the general atmosphere of the planet - did it come from my family....God ??

some malefic force that opposed me - in the universe....I dont know

but I did feel it and sense it -- everywhere....

I was something to be hidden and strange to be quelled and shunned and changed and forced to fit in and conform - and I resisted it with all my 12 year old might and mind...

I felt tiny in a giant unending whirlpool of cosmic downpour and other worldly inundation information...always calling me to go: "Home..."

"I want to go Home..."
"I'am ready to go Home..." I told my parents standing in our kitchen one afternoon just blurting out the statement - as if it came out of the other side of my mouth or from some unknown source....

"I want to go Home....HOME...Now..."


My parents did not have a clue how to respond to that.....

My mother remarked - "sweetheart....We are home..."

"No." I said -- "My Home..."


uh---ohhh.....

I could see the true and actual panic shot thru my Mom and Dad....

(What the HELL??????????)

(Our child is the Demon Seed - a freak of nature....hes pocessed - hes a "Devil..." what in God's name do we have on our hands....for him to say something like that ??"



yeah -- it was a true and solid - "
Uhhh-ooooohhhh how do we ever deal with this...??


I insisted - "I wanna go home now - my home -- the REAL home...." and then there
was a silence in the room and between us that truly none of us have ever recovered from...that has lasted between us three even to this day....

"What on Earth ??????"

I saw the quizzical puzzled look on my Dad's face that flooded my psyche - almost repulsive and definitely rejecting....of my entire existence...

(Our Son is an "Alien" Alien child ??....) WTF????

yeah before the meme was ever coined....on the internet - WTF?????

my Dad's face said it all - "What the Fuck....?"


So it was Definitely solidified in all of us - I did not truly belong to this world...

My parents did not thank God -- attribute this episode and my statement to me being "Evil..." in the classic "Christian" sense...

once again "Thank God" in every way imaginable...
carting me off to an Exorcist...or beating the Evil out of me as some I have met have suffered - or making me go to church or have consuel with a priest who probably would have made me pray to Jesus and then promptly proceeded to sexually abuse me and violate me -
on the altar as so many other boys have had happen to them....A little Heretic...

??????

A little devil
???
Demon ?
Alien ??

freak - yes Our kid is a freak.....maybe hell grow out it -

it will go away - lets just ignore it -

We never spoke of that day again - but like I said -- it was always there....in one form or another....and the imperative to "Do something" to fix it....


In another Universe my parents perhaps would have rejoiced - and cried out --
"Weve got a Spiritual Genius" on our hands....!!!!!


Weve got an ascending Angel - in our midst - we must do everything to help him....

It also could have been - Weve given birth to a true prodigy of some sort - and its our duty to lead him to the tools he needs in order to hone his craft and polish his Spiritual Gift --


I mean -- really -- what would two suburban parents in Southern California on the 1970's think about having a Son that was basically the "Child of No one...."

Some strange "Gypsy" Witch ?? budding homo-sexual poet artist and "Medium" trance medium healer - lightworker -- "Indigo" child supposed to think or feel or do ??


We all stumbled thru the mess with my parents slowly coming to the conclusion that I was probably an artist - they were pure and genius I might add "capitalists..."

steeped in the material world and having acquired all its fineries and trappings - money - the big house and the "Happy family" it all looked perfect I suppose excpet for this one snag...

Kirk the witch....

talk about a cosmic joke on all of us....

pause....



I'am 12 years old - I remember it had just rained and the gutters were over flowing with water and life and leaves and colors - and I remember gazing deep into the rushing waters and the flow of the gutter water....swirling along and sensing the freshness that comes after a hard downpour....

I feel into the "Zone..." the colors of the wet grass...the clarity of the water and it's motions and worms floating forward.....the dirt resting below - I guess I was connecting to the Earth Shaman within....

and suddenly I looked over to the neighbors trash cans - they had thrown out a large - dinning room table type candle - with a wide base - the candle was only burned down a quarter of the way...
I seized this treasure - found some matches - and hurried into the sideyard where I had built a "fort" A kids Fort....where I could write and think outside of the "Energy" of my parents house....


I had fashioned a table there from an old door -- and I lit the candle...and then sat down and peered deeply into the flame....


I closed my eyes - distant nebulous "memories" filtered around me vague yet familiar I was indeed about to have my First "Meditation Experience...."


and I did - I closed my eyes - and went in deep....it was awesome - the noise was quelled and everything seemed to be at one....I had found something but didnt know what it was...
I had never been exposed even to other artists or creative Spiritual people let alone any Eastern Philosophies about the Buddha or meditation practices...

but here I was 12 or 13 naturally going into a meditation and it felt totally and perfectly where my "Home..." was....

My home was here - in this trance - this candle - this light - and I basked in it and a door opened where I knew eventually I could get back "Home..."

or it was simply a matter of finding the "doorway..." to get there....

but of course the door way would close and be what seemed surrounded and protected by the blackest darkness one could imagine....

*********

Suddenly I was called back to "Earth...."


"What are you doing > ????"

my Mom's voice I heard and then opened my eyes....and the Trance was gone - she had pulled back the sheet that was the door to my fort - Sacred Space ?? and watched me doing another strange thing....

sitting in front of a candle and praying and meditating - "What are you doing ??""


my face flushed - I turned bright red and fell again into despair at having the magic doorway slammed shut -- but her ahhh ?? violation...of my first:
"Spiritual practice..."


"what are you doing ??"

my Mom asked...

I opened my eyes and it was clear I felt I had dome something wrong or strange yet again - something I would have to regret publicly and admit yet gain that I was cast as the freak in the otherwise freak show of the modern suburban family - I was cast as the head freak...and thus began my parents insistence thatI walk around in a state of apology which to them I suppose - was the least I could do by burdening them with my freak-like strange presence....



"what are you doing ??"

"Ohh uhhh nothing just looking at a candle..." I said - I could feel my energy just drain out me forever in that minute - it was a conspiracy --

any other parents would have I guess wanted to catch their kids playing - "Doctor..."

fooling around - experimenting sexually and pulling down their pants or asking the girls to see their breasts -- or even touch them...
I think my parents would have been ecstatic at having discovered thatI was doing "Normal" thing like that - but No....


The budding -- retarded Dali-lama child is sitting on the side of the house staring into candles....

once again like i said: it was another - "WTF???"


********

to be continued....